Brady

Here's a picture of my great-nephew on Christmas morning, wearing the fireman hat I made him. His grampa is a fire fighter; maybe he'll follow in his footsteps.
What I'm grateful for today: Finding a drugstore that's open on boxing day to stock up on kleenex & other supplies to treat my Christmas cold.

Christmas Day

Wishing you the most special Christmas ever and the very best for 2010! Love to all from Chris and Katey

Peace on earth

Sometimes the universe brings you exactly what you need.

Two days on the road with questionable weather, too many Christmas treats, and family members with a wide range of very different expectations of how to celebrate the holidays all left me feeling stressed and exhausted.

This morning, while on what I thought would be a short stroll with Katey, I discovered a magical trail through a wooded area just outside Halifax. The water from an icy brook along the path was so much more soothing than mall music and Christmas bells. There were no shoppers bustling or cars speeding on the slushy roads; only fresh deer prints in the snow and a hoot-hoot from a far off owl. I felt like I was right where I needed to be, in the woods with my dog, a reminder of what’s really important, letting go of stress and negativity.

As we walked, I felt the joy seep back into my heart and the calm that I strive to achieve becoming part of this Christmas Eve day.

I wish you the same joy and peace throughout the holidays.

What I'm grateful for today: Those small and sometimes overlooked moments of joy each and every day

What not to feed your dog

These Purdy chocolates from Jennifer are wonderful!
Unfortunately, Katey the wonder dog thought so too.

I left them on the coffee table and they proved too tempting for her to resist. She ate 3, which doesn't seem to be a lot, but that much chocolate can cause serious health issues in a small dog, including seizures and even death.

This was a VERY expensive treat. Katey spent a few hours in the vet emerg getting a drug to make her vomit the chocolate up. Her mom spent a few hours in the vet emerg and $258.00.

Lesson learned...

What I'm grateful for today: That Katey is now fine, unlike a few of the other pets we saw at the animal hospital last night.

In search of a better metaphor, by Julie Mason

In search of a better metaphor: Who says people with cancer must 'battle' and 'fight'?

By Julie Mason, The Ottawa Citizen, December 13, 2009

I thought I knew a thing or two about living with cancer. But I'm completely baffled by the Canadian Cancer Society's latest advertising and fundraising campaign called Fight Back.

Read the full article

What I'm grateful for today: Katey the wonder dog. She is the best little dog in the world. My apologies to other dog owners... but she really is. :-)

What to say and what to do to help

As often happens, I was surfing the net this morning and ended up reading sites on topics unrelated to where I started. I came across some articles on how to talk to and support people who have cancer. (See links below).

You would think that I would know what to say to other people with cancer. After all, I’ve been there myself. Yet sometimes I struggle, mainly because I know that we are all so different. What may be comforting to me may be upsetting to someone else. It also depends on the day and how the person is feeling.

Because I’m pretty open and practical about my prognosis, my honesty can sometimes make others feel uncomfortable. A friend (who also has metastatic cancer) and I have established a signal; if one of us crosses the line too far over to the ‘dark side’, the other person will simply hold 2 fingers up to form an ‘X’. We haven’t had to use it yet, but I feel better knowing that there’s a way out for my friend if I unknowingly babble on about something that is upsetting to her.

Keeping in mind that every person with cancer is different (and can have a different reaction on any given day), here is a list of what has personally been helpful to me in the past:

Appointment partners. I no longer feel the need to have someone with me, even when the news isn’t the best. But back when I first found out that the cancer had returned, I was grateful for the friends who came to appointments with me, first when I had a biopsy and then when I saw the oncologist and got the news that it had spread. (Thank you Anka & Peggy!)

Food. When I was going through treatments last time, I ended up with the most wonderful assortment of soups and meals in my freezer and some friends even came and cooked for me in my own kitchen. (I’d list them here but there were so many that I know I’d miss someone). Containers that don’t have to be returned are appreciated.

Muscle power. My next door neighbors kept my walkways clear all last winter. They didn’t ask – they just did it. (Thank you Marisa, Dale & boys!)

Visits: I enjoy having company and it was great to have visits (short when I wasn’t feeling well).

Hold the pity! There is nothing worse than the ‘pity look’. I’d much rather someone say “Well, that just sucks!” than “Oh, you poor thing”.

Stay in touch. Even though he lives in Europe, my son Adam calls, emails & sends postcards when he travels. We don't often talk about my cancer; I just love hearing about what he's up to and feeling that I'm part of his life, even if from a distance.

Too much advice. In their effort to be helpful, people will pass on information about new drugs, treatments, holistic healers and witchdoctors. Most of this is old news to us. If there’s something out there worth looking into, chances are we’ve already looked into it.

Over-reactions. Everyone has bad days. People with cancer have them too but sometimes we try to hide them because it seems to worry and upset others if they think we are down.

Support of decisions. You might do something different if it was you. But you really don’t know for sure unless you’ve walked in our shoes. What’s right for one person may not be right for another.

Laughter. After my mastectomy in 1998, a male co-worker said to me “Oh well, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ‘em both”. Someone else might have been offended but he knew that I have a twisted sense of humor and he gave me the best belly laugh I’d had in a long time.

Online articles:
How to Talk to a Friend With Cancer By Claudia Wallis
How to Talk to a Newly Diagnosed Cancer Patient By Beth Slomka
How to Talk To, or Help, Someone Battling Cancer - During Treatment and After By Nikki
How to support a loved one reeling from cancer diagnosis By Sheila Chase
Cancer survivors explain how support from friends and family was critical to fighting the disease By BETH DECARBO
Tips for family and friends By Chris Lynds

Need a baby gift?

I was at the hospital at 9 am today for a CT scan of my lungs. The halls are quiet and kind of spooky there on Sunday morning.

I finished yet another sweater. My old bear kindly agreed to act as a sweater model.

All of the sweaters I have made are for sale, with the proceeds going to the Grandmothers to Grandmothers campaign to help African women who are raising their grandchildren because of the wide-spread of aids.

You can see the sweaters available at http://ammasforgrammas.blogspot.com/2009/11/blog-post.html. I'm also taking custom orders if you would like to choose the colors and size.

What I'm grateful for today: Katey the wonder dog. You can visit her blog at http://kateythewonderdog.blogspot.com/.

Skiing

I went cross-country skiing this morning for the first time this year. We tested out our ski legs on the flats of the Gatineau parkway and it was GLORIOUS!What I'm grateful for today: Peggy, for organizing Friday hike & ski days, and all of the wonderful women who participate in these activities.

PS: I'm missing my buddy, Anka!

Latest sweater

My sweater making has slowed down to just custom orders. A friend wanted me to make one for her 2-year old granddaughter. I quite like the colors.

Death Can Wait

“Facts and details about cancer in its many forms are readily available. What is not that available is true, unvarnished insight into what goes on behind the scenes, behind the outer facade. What goes through peoples' minds when they get the shattering news? What feelings and emotions do they wrestle with as they cling onto life? What attitudes are helpful, what attitudes are destructive? This is a book that addresses these issues.” – Amazon.ca
“Death Can Wait” is a book full of survivor stories, including those written by Alice McClymont, Barbara MacIntosh, Cheryl Kardish-Levitan and local newscaster Max Keeping. All profits from the sale of this book support cancer research, with a goal of raising $1 million. You can order it through Amazon at the link above.

What I’m grateful for today: That I am able to stay indoors today and don’t have to go out and brave the storm that is brewing outside my window.

All I want for Christmas

Santa sure had his hands full this morning! After seeing the movie Amelia, the Toonie Tuesday gals stopped off at Santa's workshop to let him know what we want for Christmas. I hope he has a good memory because when I told him that I wanted a new car, he didn't write it down...

What I'm grateful for today: Honey mustard. It really is better than regular, don't you think?

Car break-in

This is a picture of the keyhole on the front passenger door of my car. Notice the hole in the side? That's how my car was broken into without me even noticing. I parked in the Blanchet Beach parking lot in Gatineau Park a few Fridays ago to go for a hike and locked my purse in the trunk of my car. When I went to use my Visa card on the weekend, it was missing from my wallet. I blamed it on absentmindedness and figured I had misplaced it or left it behind when I made a purchase. Nothing else was missing from my wallet, or from my car for that matter, so it didn't occur to me that my car had been broken into.

When I called Visa to report my card missing, they said there had been a charge to the card at a Gatineau Loblaws for $140 that same Friday. I was still thinking that I had left my card somewhere and someone found it, until Jennifer mentioned that she had read online that there have been a rash of car breakins in Gatineau Park. The thieves take only one credit card, so you don't notice it right away. They mainly use it for purchases at grocery, liquor and electronic stores.

I still didn't think my car had been broken into until I noticed what I first thought was a rust spot next to the keyhole. It took a few weeks, but I've finally pieced it together and figured out how my credit card went missing.

What I'm grateful for today: That Visa covers charges made with a stolen card.

Crap and what I'm grateful for

I knew that the chemo room was moving to the new building at the cancer centre but I didn’t know they are now up & running. The new digs are lovely and spacious and I actually had privacy for my injection today. (I once received my shot in the chemo room washroom because it was the only place available!)

I had a look at my chart while I was there and I was right, the tumors are in the lower lobe of each of my lungs. I thought that’s what my onc had said, but I wanted to read the report. What I missed was that the nodules on my chest are also slightly larger.

So I paid $139 today for an injection that isn’t working ... although I am hoping that it is at least slowing things down.

In the midst of crap there are always things to be grateful for. So I’m going to try and write “What I am grateful for today” at the end of my posts. Here is my first one: What I am grateful for today: Friday hikes. We had a larger than usual turnout this morning and we hiked to Keogan cabin for lunch. What a wonderful day, wonderful surroundings, wonderful friends.

Hot Chick x 3

After another look, I realize that there are 2 other ‘hot chicks’ in the picture. I’m thinking this looks like the work of Mary O…

Hot Chick

You never know what little thing might brighten your day.

While looking for a bag to put something in this morning I found an unexpected surprise. I was about to throw out the ball of tissue paper from the bottom of a Starbucks bag when I noticed there was something wrapped inside. What I found was a little silver frame with a picture of me in it. The label reads "HOT CHICK" (although the picture says otherwise...).

I'm not sure where it came from, but this "hot chick" started her day with a smile on her face.

Vitamin D, melatonin & flaxseed

I faithfully take 1000 IUs of vitamin D every morning.

According to a Canadian study: “Breast cancer patients with low levels of vitamin D were much more likely to die of the disease or have it spread than patients getting enough of the nutrient.” Read more…

In a recent Ottawa Citizen column, Julie Mason writes: “To D or not to D: It's not a question. The science is clear: Vitamin D is an inexpensive pill with powerful benefits. One reputable study showed a 60 per cent reduction in the incidence of cancer among people who had higher levels of vitamin D, as compared to those who were vitamin D deficient.” Read more…

It has also been reported that people with breast cancer have lower levels of melatonin. I’ve never been sure if the lack of melatonin causes the cancer, or could it be that the cancer depletes one’s melatonin (or vitamin D for that matter)?

I've been eating 2 tablespoons of flaxseed every day for about 10 years. It seems rather foolish; after all, it didn’t keep the cancer from returning.

But I keep taking it. Who knows, maybe it kept it from coming back sooner. I really don’t know, but I’m too superstitious to stop.

Pink glove dance

The employees of Providence St. Michael Medical Centre put together this video to generate breast cancer awareness ... and it looks like they had fun doing it. :-)

Ammas for Grammas craft/bake sale

Our recent bake/craft sale was a huge success but, because we had a wealth of items donated, we still have things for sale at Ammas for Grammas.

Let someone do your Christmas baking. Bakery items are ready for pickup or delivery, from our freezer to yours.

As well, we have everything from handmade ornaments to African made jewerly for sale. All proceeds will return to African grandmothers and the orphaned children in their care through the Grandmothers to Grandmothers campaign (part of the Stephen Lewis Foundation).

Browse the items by category at the link above or here: http://ammasforgrammas.blogspot.com/. Contact me at christine.lynds@rogers.com if you would like to make a purchase.

Thank you for your support.

CT scan

I got a notice in the mail that I have a CT scan at 9:20 am on Dec 13th.

That's a Sunday. Not that I care.

I'd be happy to go at 4:00 in the morning if that's the only time they could take me.

Ongoing adventures of Adam & Tara

Adam's Facebook page says:

Adam is driving around Switzerland. Next stop: Zurich.

The one before that says:

Adam is in London for a weekend of 'football'. Saturday (EPL): Chelsea vs. Blackburn at Stamford Bridge. Sunday (NFL): Patriots vs. Bucs at Wembley.

Where are my postcards? I did get a rather noisy call from a pub in London though. My sister & brother-in-law were there for the NFL game as well, so the phone got passed around. I love talking to drunk people at 4:00 in the afternoon! (our time, not theirs).

More sweaters

Here are a few more sweaters that I made to sell at this weekend's craft sale.
All of this crocheting is really aggravating my carpel tunnel syndrome!

Drugs

When you have cancer, you learn a whole new language – one that includes both the generic and brand names of treatment drugs. Since my diagnosis in 1998, I have received the following:

Adriamycin (Doxorubicin)
Cyclophosphomide (Cytoxan)
Taxotere (Docetaxel) - twice
Tamoxifen (Valodex)
Femara (Letrozole)
Arimidex (Anastrozole)
Fulvestrant (Falodex)

That does not include Neupogene (a white blood cell booster), steroids, anti-nausea pills, antibiotics, anti-depressants and complimentary naturopathic remedies meant to reduce the side effects of the cancer drugs.

It looks like I’ll be starting a new drug in a few months, once they have another look at my lungs. Some of the possibilities include Xeloda, Naveline, Abraxane, Ixempra, Gemzar and Fareston.

This weird cancer language also includes terms like: tumor marker, cancer stage, aromatase inhibitor, extrogen receptor, metastases, port-a-cath, and ablative therapy. What sounds like Klingon to most people becomes common place for those of us who are riding the cancer roller coaster.

Common breast cancer terms and definitions

Cancer Survivor Inspiration video

"You don't get to choose how you are going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you are going to live ... Now"

Joan Baez

I found this quote on Daria's blog in the video called Cancer Survivor Inspiration. It's worth clicking on the full screen button.

Test results

The news from my oncology visit on Friday wasn’t great. There are two new ‘nodules’ (aka tumors) on my lungs; I believe he said there was one on each of the bottom lobes (but to be honest, I'm a little fuzzy).

The good news is that we’re not rushing back into chemo. I have no symptoms (coughing, shortness of breath) so my onc suggested we wait a few months and have another scan to see how aggressively (or hopefully non-aggressively) the cancer is progressing.

While it’s disappointing, (OK, it sucks), it didn’t come as a huge shock. The doctor reminded me that this is a chronic illness that needs to be managed. A particular treatment will work for awhile and then things will ‘flair up’, which indicates the need to consider a new drug.

The worst part is having to tell my family when the news isn't good. I talked to my sister and mom yesterday, and I just got off the phone with Adam in Holland. That's the part that makes me want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Note to self: Don’t get test results on Friday the 13th again

No apologies for the dark cartoon; it's my way of coping. I'm picturing myself as the person in the mask, not the chicken.


Anka dropped off some homemade soup and rice pudding so I'm going to go self-medicate with food.

Granny Fest

Despite not yet being a grandmother myself, I am part of a Grandmothers to Grandmothers group. Because several of us in the group are not grandmothers, we call our group Ammas for Grammas. (Amma is a term to address older women as a term of respect in many countries).

Grandmothers to Grandmothers is part of the Stephen Lewis Foundation’s campaign to support grandmothers in Africa who are raising their grandchildren due to the high incidence of aids related illness and death.

One of the questions on the minds of some of the people who hear about the campaign is: Why not help Canadian grandmothers and Canadian grandchildren? Shouldn't we be helping our own first?

I won’t deny that there are people in need, even in prosperous countries like our own, and we have a responsibility to take care of those who truly need our help. But in addition, I think it’s important to reach beyond our own borders and help those who are in even greater need.

I’ve seen first hand during my travels to countries like India, Nepal, Tanzania and South Africa that so many people on our planet do not have the options for assistance that we do. While it’s not a situation that I’d wish on anyone, people in need here do have options; options such as shelters, food banks, unemployment, and social assistance.

For those in similar situations in developing countries, there are very few places to turn. They have limited access to education, therefore little hope that the future will be different. If they are not able to support themselves, they die. The people that are most affected are children and the elderly – the people that the Grandmothers to Grandmothers campaign is focused on helping.

Yesterday I attended a ‘granny fest’ gathering of the various groups in the Ottawa-Gatineau region. There were workshops on group development, advocacy and fundraising, and it was a great opportunity to connect with other groups and hear about their events and challenges.

Peggy (our group's head Amma), Anka (craft-maker extraordinaire) and I also had an opportunity to test the waters in preparation for our craft sale on November 29th (more information to follow).

H1N1 Shot

I was on the fence about getting the vaccine until I talked to my oncologist. Although he did say that he didn't consider my immune system to be currently compromised, he said that H1N1 is really nasty (he's had it himself) and encouraged me to get it (the shot, not the flu).

If you are a cancer patient and decide to get the vaccine, don't bother waiting in line at one of the immunization clinics. Based on my experience on Friday, they seem to be giving them routinely to anyone with an appointment at the cancer clinic. I was in and out of there in about 5 minutes.

The nurse who did the injection told me that I might have flu-like symptoms. She was right. Along with a surprisingly sore arm (I'm used to getting a large needle in my butt every 4 weeks, so I thought I was tough), I am feeling like crap: headache, nausea, sort of achy all over. I might not have been so quick to roll up my sleeve if I had known...

If you are currently on chemo, you may want to read what Laurie was advised at Chemotherapy and the H1N1 vaccine.

Not Done Yet - Alice's review

Some time ago a group of us attended a book launch of Laurie Kingston’s “Not Done Yet”. Alice kindly offered to write a review of the book. (Thanks Alice!).

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not Done Yet: Living through breast cancer by Laurie Kingston 2009
Review by Alice McClymont

Laurie Kingston was 38 with an active life, a family and a demanding job when she was diagnosed with breast cancer in December 2005. In November 2006 she learned that the cancer had spread to her liver. Her book “Not Done Yet” published in 2009 by Women’s Press Toronto is a very personal journal of her diagnosis and treatment, written with the utmost honesty, wit, insight and feeling. What makes the book unusual is that it is in the form of a blog with various lengths of entries and that it is a positive, witty and inspiring book in spite of the severity of the topic. Reading this book is like reading someone’s personal journal which involves the reader in the day to day life of Laurie, her very supportive spouse Tim and her two sons. Especially touching are the entries about her sons Sacha and Daniel and, as children often do, they provide some light moments in the midst of difficult times. For example when the boys are playing “pirate treasure” they find Laurie’s prosthesis in a box and ask what that pinkish. squishy thing is. When Laurie replies that it is something to make her look the same on both sides her sons retort with “ Cool”, taking it all in stride.

The book is very informative about various procedures such as bone scans, chemotherapy, ultrasounds and radiation and gives an honest account of both positive and negative communication with various health professionals. It is chilling to read about the kinds of comments that can be made by those who should know better like the medical student who referred to her portacath as a “lump” and the radiation oncologist who, when told the area radiated was still too tender for a prosthesis said ”Well, you have to wear something in public”, this the same doctor who objected to her having a different surname than that of her spouse.

The book will be of interest to different people for different reasons. To other cancer patients or survivors, the book shows how someone with a difficult prognosis can have a superlative outcome and the ups and downs of getting there. To the medical professionals, there are many hints about the importance of treating the patient with care and respect and being very careful of what one says. It is always better to look at the glass as half full no matter the prognosis. To relatives and friends of a cancer patient, the book clearly shows the importance of small gestures and kindness. As one of Laurie’s cards says “Between me and insanity stand my friends”.

As a breast cancer survivor with metastasis I particularly related to this book. I am much older than Laurie but relate so well to her love of reading and how getting into a good book can take your mind off the cancer, and like Laurie I believe a glass of wine can cure many ills. I also relate to Laurie’s wanting to write about her experience, both as therapy and to provide information to others who need positive stories. No one would choose to have cancer but as Laurie says “ my life with cancer is infinitely better than I would have thought possible”.

Laurie's blog: Not Just About Cancer

Read about Alice's journey

Thar's snow in them thar hills

It's a beautiful fall day; 13 c and sunny. It's hard to believe that there's snow in the Gatineau hills. We hiked to the ruins of the old Thomas Wilson fertilzer plant on Friday. It was a lovely way to spend the morning, before heading to the cancer clinic for my injection of Faslodex and bloodwork. People always ask how the treatments are going, but the truth is that they are pretty uneventful. The injection is quick and when I don't need blood work, they flush saline through my port to keep it open.

Sweater obsession

Anka keeps telling me I should 'break out of my box' and make something besides sweaters. She's probably right but I love working with the different colors and seeing these toddler size creations evolve. Before I finish one I'm already planning the next.
I did venture from 'my specialty' to make this hat & scarf set.

As mentioned before, these items will be on sale at the Canturbury Community Centre Craft sale on November 29th. All proceeds go to the Stephen Lewis foundation to help grandmothers raising their grandchildren in Africa.

Losing faith in cancer screening, by Julie Mason

The Ottawa Citizen
November 2, 2009

"Despite the long lineups at flu shot clinics, there are still an astonishing number of Canadians who say they aren't planning to get the H1N1 vaccine, including the usual suspects: the vaccine conspiracy theorists who think it's all a money grab by Big Pharma; the health purists who won't put anything in their bodies but reverse osmosis water and mung beans; and the thrill seekers who smoke, drive without seatbelts and bungee jump from high places."

Read the full article

Canterbury Craft Sale - Nov 29

Help! I've taken up crocheting and I can't stop! Is there a support group for this?

I've been making these sweaters for a group I belong to called Ammas for Grandmas (part of the Stephen Lewis foundation

Grandmothers to Grandmothers campaign.

The sweaters will be for sale at the Canterbury Christmas Craft Sale on Sunday Nov 29th, along with a variety of other handmade crafts and baked goods.

Date & time: Nov 29th, 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Hallowe'en

It was a very spo-o-o-oky night in the neighbourhood last night. The folks next door went all out with the decorations and we had fun, even thought there weren’t as many trick-or-treaters as we would have expected. Katey was an angel (but then she usually is). The dog next dog (also named Katie) was a devil, so they were quite the pair.

See more Hallowe'en pictures on Katey's blog.

I'm OK

A few people have expressed support and concern after some of my recent posts. I just want to let folks know that I am OK. Honest!

Before I had cancer, I had up days and down days. My down days were usually because of something that happened at work, or a disagreement with a friend or family member, or even because they didn’t have double bacon cheeseburgers at McD’s as advertised (there’s a story there…).

That hasn’t changed. However, my down days are more likely to be related to my health, simply because that’s where I’m at right now.

I won’t deny that I’ve felt sadder and more reflective since Sue Hendler’s death, even though I knew it was coming for some time. But overall, I think my spirits are pretty good. I’ve had good results with the current treatment and very few side effects. So please don’t worry (Mom!).

Do you think it’s best to be honest and open about the ‘dark days’ or do you tend to protect others by always trying to appear ‘up’? Please leave a comment and let me know what you think.

A good laugh!

Laughter is therapeutic. If you are feeling under the weather: get lots of rest, drink lots of fluids, and watch this video. Enjoy!

Best dog costumes ever

Why I haven't joined the advanced cancer support group

I don't think I'm ready to join the support group at the cancer clinic for people with advanced cancer.

Here is part of a message I received about next week's meeting:
Our guest this week will be Ron Seguin from the Funeral Home, Hulse Playfair and McGarry.

Yikes!

The one and only time I attended, they talked about hospice care. The group is called Living for Today but my fear is that it's more about dying than living.

While I know that some people in the group might be ready for that information, I'm not.

To use one of my mom's sayings: "mark me down for no!!"

The bureaucracy of life and death

Ontario creates a dead end on the front lines of cancer treatment
By Julie Mason, The Ottawa Citizen, October 18, 2009

Read the story

Meditation

I started a mediation class last night at Breast Cancer Action. At the end of the evening the instructor had us watch 3 feathers float to the ground, listen to three bells and then write about it.

For some participants the feathers and ringing were symbolic, or reminded them of other experiences they had had in the past. I simply focused on seeing and listening without feeling the need to analyze the experience to death.

I spent so many of my earlier years analyzing my experiences, my relationships, searching for meaning, asking WHY? It feels good just to live in the moment and just BE.

Gray funk, day 2

It’s another gloomy day. Yoga class usually helps, but today’s breathing exercises left me feeling impatient, irritated and cranky.

Maybe I just need a good cry. During the class (while I was supposed to be chanting and breathing through my chakras) I found myself trying to remember how many times I’ve cried in the past year. Aside from the open floodgates of my father’s funeral just over a year ago, there have only been a few.

I remember getting weepy for no reason last Christmas when I was going through chemo and feeling over-tired. The tears came again when I was saying goodbye to my son Adam at the Amsterdam airport in June (airports make me emotional because I always seem to be saying goodbye). Other than a few sniffley moments watching The Time Traveler’s Wife (the part where he met his mother on the train got to me), that’s about it.

Some women can cry and then look like a million bucks afterwards. Not me. My upper and lower lids swell up and look raw enough to be more at home on the ass end of a dog in heat than on my face. They stay like that for about 2 days.

So if I need to have a good cleansing cry (which is where I think this cranky feeling is heading), I’d better make sure it’s worth it. It may be time to bring out the big guns: Out of Africa. I’ve probably watched it 5 or 6 times and have never been able to get through it without what Oprah refers to as ‘the ugly cry’. Not only do I cry at the sad parts, I know the movie so well that I start to cry just before the sad parts, in anticipation.

I may be wearing sun glasses for the next few days…

Questions

Considering that my body is pretty much a ticking time bomb, I surprise myself sometimes by not worrying more than I do. For the most part, I've just carried on living and don't spend too much time thinking about the future.

But I find it harder to push those pesky niggly little thoughts of test results aside on days when the sky is gray, as it is today. I had 2 CT scans last week: 1 of my chest and another of my abdomin. Next week I go for a bone scan.

On days like this I find my mind involuntarily asking questions. Questions like:

. The last several scans have been good, but how long will this last?

. What is the longest anyone has lived with mets to the lungs?

. How long can I manage on long-term-disability before I have to dip into my meager RRSPs?

. Should I plan another trip to Halifax to see the energy healer in Mahone Bay?

. Is crocheting in front of the TV the best use of my time, or is it therapeutic? (It's becoming a bit of an addiction - I'll post pictures later).

. Is the slight ache in my back something to be concerned about? (Probably more from poor posture while crocheting in front of the TV).

. Did the character in One Week die or was he the narrator Campbell Scott as an older man? (I thought I knew the answer but Adam & Tara saw it a different way. Now I have to see it again, which I wanted to do anyway).

While I'm on the subject of questions, here are a few of my answers to the questions asked in the One Week movie trailer:

When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long...

What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live?

While it appears that I have more than one day, one week, or one month (unless I'm hit by the proverbial bus), metastatic cancer has definately made me take yet another hard look at my life. I still hope to chip away at my bucket list, but I find myself just living, without a lot of fanfare, maybe because I never realized before this that living a simple life can be special in it's own way. It's OK to just BE.

What life boat would you grab on to?

The people in the boat with me are more important than the life boat itself. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like without the wonderful friends that have come into my life.

What secret would you tell?

Secrets? I'm pretty much an open book (which is why I'm comforable writing a blog) so there aren't too many secrets to tell.

What band would you see?

The Rolling Stones.

What person would you declare your love to?

That's easy: my son Adam, unconditionally, always and forever. (That sounds so sappy, but if you are a parent, you know where I'm coming from).

What wish would you fulfil?

When I wish on birthday candles or on a star, they are usually wishes that are out of my control: I wish a long and happy life for my son, I wish happiness & good health for my family, I wish for a quick and painless death.

What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee?

Coffee on the side of a mountain in Nepal would be wonderful. Maybe I could fit it into a tour of Cambodia, Laos & Vietnam.

What book would you write?

A book for my future grandchild(ren). I'd call it 'The Story of Amma'.

Read for a Cure

In addition to the article by Laurie Kingston in the Centretown Buzz (mentioned in an earlier post), there is a piece about Read for a Cure written by Alice McClymont and Shirley Griffioen. Scroll down to page 5 in the online version to read the article.

Army of Women

I was at the Pantry in the Glebe several weeks ago and met a young mom (33) with the cutest one year old. She also has breast cancer.

The mom's name is Daiva and she writes a blog at http://daivastory.blogspot.com/. I read through Davia's blog and came across information about a resource called Army of Women.

Davia writes:

I finally joined the "Army of Women" today (www.armyofwomen.org). Their goal is to have more than a million women join their group so that they can get information on breast cancer studies and be available for research. I urge all you ladies out there to join.

Never give up hope, by Laurie Kingston

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Laurie Kingston, author of “Not Done Yet”, tells her story. This is the advice she wished she had when diagnosed.

Read the article
Laurie's blog

The Beauty of the Cause calendars have arrived!

I will be delivering calendars this week to those who preordered them. I do have extras so let me know if you would like one. All proceeds go towards the Weekend to End Breast Cancer.

The read more about the calendar, click on the label Weekend to End Breast Cancer below.

If you are a breast cancer 'thriver' and are interested in posing for next year's calendar, contact Emilie and Nancy at beautyofthecause@gmail.com.

The Beauty of the Cause

Canadian researchers make breast cancer breakthrough

Scientists decode breast cancer tumour's DNA
Telegraph Journal, Published Thursday October 8th, 2009

TORONTO - In a world first, Canadian scientists have decoded all three billion letters in the DNA sequence of a metastatic breast cancer tumour and identified the mutations that caused the malignancy to spread.

Read the full story

18,790 visitors

I wrote my first post on Sunday, November 4, 2007, but didn't start tracking visitors to this blog until a year ago today. During that year the site has had visits!

Posting to this blog has allowed me to express my thoughts and fears as I've gone through cancer re-diagnosis and treatments, along with my day-to-day mundane ramblings about everything from chemo side effects to Katey the Wonder Dog.

Thank you to all of you who visit the Edge of Light on a regular basis, and to those who just check it occasionally. It is wonderful to know that I am connected to a special community of people who care.

Happy Turkey Day

Wishing everyone a happy Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend!
(No, that's not Katey, but it gives me an idea for a Halloween costume for her...)

Just Doing It

Here is a picture of the award given to the Just Doing It team at the Run for the Cure. I don't think we're supposed to all run up on the stage when we win, but we've been doing it for 9 years in a row, so why stop now?That's me in the middle wearing the bright pink jacket.

Repeat after me...

The Run for the Cure

I intended to walk the Run for the Cure today, but I got carried away with the excitement of the crowd and started out running, probably to prove to myself that I could. I could not.

I did a combination of walking and snail running, crossing the finish line in just under 38 minutes. For those of you who don’t run, that’s an incredibly slow time, but I ended up running much more of it than I would have thought I could.

As always, I was moved by the thousands of names that participants carried on their shirts. There was a wall of hope covered in signs that said that people were running for their sister, their mother, their friend, all women, themselves.

The Just Doing It team once again took the prize for the highest amount collected by a women’s community team. Year after year this team of survivors raises money and participates in the run. Year after year more women are diagnosed. But the women on my team and the enthusiasm of the crowd continues to give me hope that eventually there will be a cure. Until then, I'll continue to run, walk and/or crawl.

~ Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.
The important thing is to not stop questioning. ~ Albert Einstein