The Last Lecture - discussion 3

In this week’s book club assignment on the Last Lecture by Randy Paush, Dennis Pyritz says:

“His [Randy's] cancer really did help him to focus. In “I’m on My Honeymoon, But If You Need Me…” he offers advice that we as cancer patients can readily connect with. “Time must be explicitly managed,” “You can always change the plan, but only if you have one,” and “Are you spending your time on the right things?””

My response:

I now plan less than I used to. I like the freedom of waking up in the morning and choosing exactly what I want to do with my day (when I’m feeling well enough, of course). I’ve let go of my need to be ‘productive’ and have more fully experienced the days and moments. I don’t commit to things ahead of time; I’ll sometimes play the cancer card and ask if I can decide at the last minute because I might not be feeling up to it that day. I’ve let go of the guilt of what I used to think of as wasting time. Sitting under a tree on a beautiful day now feels like time well spent.

Being Cancer book club

Book club Part III: Adventures ... and Lessons Learned

In this week’s book club assignment on the Last Lecture by Randy Paush, Dennis Pyritz asks the following questions:

In the beginning of this section Randy has met his pancreatuc cancer head-on, asking for the most difficult treatments available. He seems to be in remission. But at a follow-up visit, he discovers not only has he relapsed but has extensive metastases. If you have dealt with relapse or metastasis, how did it feel? How did you deal with it?

I used to think that if the cancer came back that I wouldn’t be able to cope, that I would curl up in the fetal position and cease to function, that I would get stuck in what I call ‘the dark side’. And I did just that for awhile. But that gets boring and miserable after awhile, so eventually I just put one foot in front of another and continued to move forward.

In ‘The Man in the Convertible” he relates how difficult it is to judge just how well you are doing emotionally when you are in the midst of your struggle with cancer. How did you make that determination?

Sometimes I wonder why I haven’t become a basket case during this journey. (Well… I have had my days…). But for the most part I think I am dealing with it better than did some earlier non-life threatening crises in my life. Is age and maturity a factor? Am I in denial? I'm not sure why I am coping as well as I am and sometimes feel like I'm holding my breath, waiting for the crash.

In “Jai” Randy relates that his wife kept her own journal and that it helped her deal with all those “little” issues that can nag a relationship. Has your partner tried a journal? or something else that helped? She also found that having conversations with other caregivers helped. Does reading other blogs help your spouse or just make it more difficult?

I don’t think my family members write journals and I’m not sure how much they have talked to others about it. I did arrange for my mother to meet with a social worker that I know at the cancer clinic and I think that was very helpful. My son tells me he doesn’t read my blog often because he finds it better to deal with it in chunks, rather than on a daily basis. Living in Europe (I’m in Ottawa and he’s in the Netherlands) has made it especially difficult for him.

I know that my mom has a hard time reading my blog at times and I’m pretty certain that my family does not read other blogs. Being relatively private people, I suspect my family is a bit mystified at why I would choose to share my feelings in such a public forum, but they support me in dealing with things in a way that is most helpful to me.

Being Cancer book club
Previous book club questions

Read about how others have coped when cancer has returned

The Last Lecture

Dennis Pyritz has started a book club on his blog called Being Cancer. What a great idea! The club is currently reading The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. I read it when it first came out and recently passed it on to a friend. Here are my answers to Dennis's questions from Part I & II of the book.

Initially Randy’s wife is opposed to his spending time on this speaking/writing project. How did you identify with this conflict between the needs of the sick person versus the needs of loved ones? To what extent do you think this conflict reflected gender orientations? How do you deal with self-fulfillment issues when you have a deadly disease?

Balancing your own needs and the needs of loved ones can be the most complicated part of this whole ordeal. I don't want to make this any harder for my family than it already is, but I know that putting my own needs first does just that sometimes. I try to listen and understand where they are coming from, but I need to make my own choices in the end.

An example of this was when I decided to go to Africa a month after having surgery to remove a tumor from my right lung. As all good mom's would, my mom worried and wanted to protect me from further harm. As a mother myself, I understood that. But the trip was very important to me and, in the end, I put my own needs and dreams first, despite the worry it was causing my mom.

Randy's decision to go ahead with his projects were the best thing for his family in the long run. Loved ones shouldn't be left with the sorrow of knowing that the person never realized their dreams.

“Kids - more than anything else - need to know their parents love them. Their parents don’t have to be alive for that to happen.” How does this theme resonate for you in dealing with illness and family? He worries that his young children will not remember him. What thoughts have you had about the legacy of memory that you might leave your children or grandchildren?

My son is an adult, but I have thought about what I can leave him so that he will continue to feel my love and presence in his life, even after I'm gone. (Adam, if you are reading his, I'm not planning for that to happen for a long time!!). With such a young family, I can understand why that was so important to Randy.

I keep a journal of letters that I've been writing to Adam since he was a baby. This blog will someday become a record of who I was and what was important to me. I've considered writing a children's book about my life for future grandchildren. I plan to call it The Story of Amma (what I want my grandchildren to call me).

Randy tells about how he was raised as a child. How did your own upbringing impact on how you handled your diagnosis and subsequent struggle with disease and treatment?

I think being an introvert has had more of an impact than my childhood has. While I do reach out to other people and am open about my illness, I have needed time to process each development on my own. An important part of that process for me has been writing about my experiences and thoughts along the way.

The second section deals with how Randy strove to achieve childhood dreams. How has that worked out for you? How did cancer affect your pursuit of your dreams?

I'm striving more to achieve adult dreams than childhood ones. It has taken me over 50 years to understand who I am and what is important to me. I do have a 'bucket list' but found that creating a list of what I had already done in my life was an even more meaningful exercise. It was confirmation to me of what a great life I've already had and it gave me hope that I will continue to have amazing experiences for a long time to come.

Being Cancer book club

My bucket list

My thoughts on Randy Pauch's book and life