Sue Hendler

I just received a notice from Sue's friend and Care Team coordinator Karla with this sad news:

"Sue died last night. It was at about 8:00. She was at St. Mary's but had only been there since the afternoon and so her plan to stay at home for as long as possible was very successful. As well, it was her choice to leave home and go to the hospital. She made all her choices until the very end. She was surrounded by more than an dozen of her wonderful family and friends."I'm not sure how I feel: shocked... sad... numb... thankful that she didn't linger.... all initial feelings that come to mind. I sent Sue an email on Monday to let her know that I was thinking about her but I hadn't had any communication from her since she made the following comment on my Visit with Sue posting on August 17th.

"Thanks Chris ...... I'll read this often over the next while and I know it will help me get through some difficult moments .... Take care and hugs to wonder dog!"

I'll miss Sue's raw and honest accounts of her cancer journey in her Whig Standard column. I've already been missing our back & forth email banter about everying from mindless TV shows to our fears about the future. I hope that wherever Sue is today, she's laughing at her prediction that there's probably nothing on the other side and that it's one opinion she's just fine with being wrong about.
This message was circulated to the Queens University community:

I am very sorry to report that Dr. Sue Hendler, former Head of the Department of Women’s Studies, passed away yesterday after a long and courageous fight against breast cancer. As some of you will remember, Sue was a Co-coordinator of Women’s Studies in the 1990s and was Director/Head for five crucial years from 1999 until 2004. She will be remembered for the many important policy changes that she initiated and implemented while leading the Department, including drafting the first proposal for what has become our MA Program in Gender Studies, overseeing growth both in course offerings and the enrolment of concentrators, and recognizing the need to convert the Institute into a Department. Under her wise leadership the LGBT, now Sexual and Gender Diversity, Certificate Program was created and began to flourish. More permanent faculty members were hired and Sue guided the Department through its first Internal Academic Review. Sue was politically savvy, wise, and a very hard worker on behalf of the interests of all members of the Department. Those of us here now owe her enormous gratitude for the efforts that she devoted to ensuring Women’s Studies would flourish. At this time I do not know what arrangements will be made for a service.

You can read Sue's past columns by clicking on her name below, after Labels. Watch for one final column from Sue to be published, which she told me she submitted sometime ago.

Paint Ottawa Pink - Sept 27th

The BCA (Breast Cancer Action) Paint Ottawa Pink walk is coming up & I’m feeling guilty

I haven’t registered and I’ve focused all of my fundraising towards the Run for the Cure on October 4th. I hate asking people for money, so I limit my groveling to one event per year. Rather than asking people in person, I take the cowardly way out and send out an email to just about everyone I know asking for their financial support. I am happy to report that, as usual, my approach is working and I have received $2,195 in pledges so far.

But that leaves BCA in the cold, at least as far as my fundraising efforts go. Because they had to delay their walk this year (not sure of the details but I understand they had a valid reason), it ends up being far too close to the Run for a Cure, which I think will really hurt them this year.

Breast Cancer Action is a local organization that offers the following (and more):

> A peer counseling program
> Exercise, yoga, tai chi. lymphedema and other wellness programs
> The Busting Out survivor dragon boat program
> Speakers and the Young Women’s Breast Health education program
> On-site lending library

And, as it states on their web-site, so much more!

If you know someone who is participating in the Paint Ottawa Pink walk, please consider sponsoring them. Or you may want to support BCA at some other time by making a donation to this important and worthy organization.

Find out more about Breast Cancer Action and Paint Ottawa Pink

Now Voyager

Here's an exerpt from an email I received today from the Cancer Crusade:

And now begin to really live. No prissy, half-hearted living like you were living before. That wasn't really living, and that you doesn't exist anymore. No putting off dreams until tomorrow. Carpe diem. Carpe diem. Carpe that diem now.

Go live your life. Become who you know you're supposed to be. No holding back this time.

In the words of Walt Whitman, "Now voyager, sail thou forth to seek and find."

And don't you dare say it's too late. If you're reading this, it's not too late. It's only too late for the people who didn't wake up this morning.

Live out loud. Be outrageous. Love fiercely. Laugh and cry at the sheer beauty of it all. And thank whatever god you believe in that you have another chance to get it right.

Every day, you get another chance.

Read the full article
The Cancer Crusade

The work of living and dying, by Sue Hendler

Today Sue writes about: The work of living and dying: Will the next day be better or worse?

"Throughout the day, the phone has been ringing, with people asking if I need or want anything. There has been the occasional outing to City Park or to any sunny spot brightening the outside of my building. There is always the adding of items to my to-do list as I think about my will, my memorial service, my messy office at Queen's."

You can read other columns by Sue Hendler by clicking on her name below under Labels.

Prevent Cancer NOW

Sign the Cancer Prevention Declaration

Become a member of PCN (it's free!)

Aged to near perfection :-)

My mom and her friend Marian were here for my birthday. They've been friends since before I was born and I think of Marian as my 2nd mother.Some friends came over to have a piece of cake. Can you guess how old I am?

Here's what Jean wrote on my card:

Happy Birthday! I can think of so many words or phrases that relate to you…

blogger
book lover
world traveler
great sense of humor
Nova Scotia bed breaker avec moi! (there’s a storey there…)
yoga
kayaker
onion hater
biker
runner
dynamite and possibly OCD organizer
shoe lover
dollar store queen
interior decorator with terrific taste
terrific cook
great party thrower & hostess
cross country skier
Katey the Wonder Dog’s mom
lover of nature
Adam – the love of your life
and last but not least … you are a wonderful friend to me and to so many others.

Much love Chris.
Jean xxoo

Cancer and Happiness

I received a message from CarePages today with an article titled “Instant happiness? Even for people with cancer?”

A friend recently said to me that I should write a book about how I’ve managed to remain positive since being diagnosed with advanced cancer. The truth is, I haven’t remained positive: I’ve definitely had my dark days, and even my down-and-dirty this-fucking-sucks days.

But I’ve also had absolutely joyful, unbelievably blissful, brilliant days. Thankfully, those days have been more plentiful than the dark days.

I guess I could write a book about it, but I have one problem: I’m not sure why or how I've managed to cope so well. No one is more surprised than me that I have continued to appreciate my life and am, overall, happier than I ever was when I was younger and healthier.

In the ‘Instant happiness?” article, the author references “7 steps to instant happiness”. I believe the steps are meant for people in general and not necessarily for those of dealing with a cancer diagnosis, so here are my more cancer-specific comments on each of the steps.

Be positive
I’ve written in previous posts that I’m not a fan of this step. “Be positive” is advice that is just too simplistic for me and it’s too easy to feel like a failure on the days when you need to grieve and lick your wounds. Embracing my ‘dark side’ has helped me to come to terms with the reality of my illness and move on to a more positive state.

Be brave
Yet another piece of advice that makes me want to gag. No disrespect to the author, but there’s nothing wrong with a good cry and even some whimpering and sniveling. Getting out of bed was about as much bravery as I could muster some days. That said, I have a great role model in Mary that showed me how to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward, even participating in physical activities during treatments. Mary doesn’t let the emotional idea of ‘being sick’ keep her from doing the things that she wants to do, while being respectful of her limits.

Meditate
"Meditation helps us better manage our reactions to stress and recover more quickly from disturbing events.” This is a step that I think does apply to people with cancer. I don’t do it enough (why?) but I definitely experience the benefits when I make the time. During my meditation I mentally visit each one of my organs and express gratitude to them for getting me this far. I thank my lungs for remaining strong in the face of the cancer. I visit the cancer cells and ask them to rest and remain passive; to calmly find a way to exit my body. I force myself to smile during my meditation, even if I don’t feel like it. I imagine joy filling each one of my organs and moving through my limbs to my fingers and my toes. I have never done this exercise without feeling calm, and sometimes even joyful, by the time I’m finished the meditation.

Be kind to yourself
I have spent the last year being kinder to myself than I’ve ever been in my life. For me that means: protecting myself from stress, eating healthy, focusing on the beauty of the moment, spending time outdoors in nature, being with friends that are good for my soul, and getting regular exercise. Most importantly, self kindness includes forgiving myself on days when I did none of this.

Use your pessimism
I see it more as realism than pessimism, but I have spent time thinking about the worst case scenario. I’ve thought a lot about what I would do if/when the cancer progresses further and plan to stay in control of what I can, when I can. The rest is out of my hands and I’m learning to let it go. ‘Let it go’ is a mantra that I sometimes use while meditating, saying it over and over until I really feel it.

Find a calling
I don’t think it’s my ‘calling’, but writing my thoughts in this blog has given me a vehicle for working through my fears and expressing my thoughts. My real calling right now is self-care and doing exactly what I want to do every day, without guilt or obligation.

Act happy
This one doesn’t work for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and people can see through the act when I’m not feeling happy. As an introvert, I personally find it best to spend time on my own when I’m feeling down, without the pressure of having to pretend and put on a face for others. Then I can let it go and feel good about the time that I spend with the people that I care about.

I’m adding a 8th step: Give love and receive love
I’m fortunate to have lots of people in my life that I love and who love me back. Having Katey the Wonder Dog come into my life has brought a component of unconditional love that has truly added to my happiness. She’s there when I wake up, wagging her tail and smiling (yes, she really does). When I come home, she’s at the door and more excited to see me than any human could ever be. She makes me smile and laugh every day and has truly been a blessing in my life. (And that’s big for someone who has never really been a ‘dog person’!)